My Heart's Desire inspired by Train - Marry Me

Marriage scares the hell out of me. It does (and I hate that it does) and I don't know if it will ever take place [again] in my life [for me]. Sure, I look at other people's marriages and think to myself "What makes them stick it out just for the sake of actually committing to someone else [a partner]? Like, what makes that other person value them enough and adore them enough to NOT want to live life without them?" I hate those questions...because the answers have to be ones that exclude anything someone feels for me. Am I envious of them or jealous of them? I don't think so. I think what makes me hate asking those same questions is that I cannot fully answer them myself without hesitation and fear.

See, I'm not afraid of love or even of loving someone. I'm just tired of nothing being for the long haul, for better or for worst, through sickness or health, for richer or poorer, for as long as we have life inside of us. That's the missing part-----someone that can vow those things with me and really mean it.

I have madd swag in my heart for someone. Is he the perfect man? Of course not --- I don't even think that exists. But, nonetheless he is the man that I want for my life, for my heart, for MY love. He thinks that I spoil him...but when I see a smile on his face, that's him spoiling me. He thinks that he needs me...but when I feel something missing from my life, it's me that is in need of him. Even if you break it down to want...we both want each other in our lives. So what's the hold up with the vows? Fear. His fear of taking that step and leaving behind any other possibilities...my fear of giving him 100 % of me and him not sticking around, leaving me to mend up the pieces of yet another broken heart [again].

Sometimes I think he hurts me just so that he's not the only one feeling the pain. He shares that with me just by being around...why can't he see that he could share that with me AND be around? He says in due time we'll see what happens, but I know that either way it will be due time...everything will be. He see's tiny molecules that he fixates his thoughts on....I see things on a larger scale and know that not one area needs to be concentrated on, that we can have it all---the small and the big. I see more than he does, and then I think to myself "is the fact that he doesn't see what I see mean that we are not truly meant for each other OR is this something that a little fight and persistence on my end couldn't master and obtain?"

One day....it will come [either from him or for whoever I'm supposed to be with] if it's God's will.
This song puts me in mind of how it will be when it happens....

Kissin' Cousins

I was talking to one of my cousins on the phone and we were talking about dancing (he can dance and I cannot). While we were talking, I looked at a reply he'd sent me and it said something along the lines of he and his friends talking about sex. Gross.

Not saying he's gross, but just saying that the thought of my cousins (or my siblings) having sex just sort of repulses me! I just don't like thinking of my family that way. I never even liked the term "kissing cousins". Yuck!

But not everyone feels that way. Apparently many states now allow for first cousins to marry! The list can be found at http://marriage.about.com/cs/marriagelicenses/a/cousin.htm . I couldn't believe it! I know in some areas of the world that is the norm, but wasn't that taboo in America?

Looking deeper into the subject, I found many web links about cousin couples. It seems that prior to civil laws were passed and religious creeds were established to ban cousin marriages, this was actually a preference.

I've always been told that if relatives (like first cousins) were to conceive and give birth to children, the offspring had a greater chance of having developed birth defects. This is a possibility, but those thoughts came before modern genetic testing was invented. Did you know that scientifically speaking simply marrying within your own race increases the odds of birth defects just as marrying within your own town further increases your chances? Factually, couples that are related by blood only have a slightly higher chance for birth defects than non-related couples. Here are the facts from cousincouples.com (a very interesting website):
Fact:
Children of non-related couples have a 2-3% risk of birth defects, as opposed to first cousins having a 4-6% risk.
Genetic counseling is available for those couples that may be at a special risk for birth defects (e.g. You have a defect that runs in your family)
In plain terms first cousins have at a 94 percent + chance of having healthy children.
The National Society of Genetic Counselors estimated the increased risk for first cousins is between 1.7 to 2.8 percent, or about the same a any woman over 40 years of age.

Worldwide, the percentage of cousins marrying is 20%. 1 in 1,000 cousin couples marry in the U.S., and in Japan it's 4 in 1,000. Per CousinCouples.Com, "It is estimated that 20 percent of all couples worldwide are first cousins. It is also estimated that 80 percent of all marriages historically have been between first cousins". The site goes on further to say that "Albert Einstein married his first cousin. And so did Charles Darwin, who had exceptional children". Other famous names that came up have been Franklin D. Roosevelt, Jerry Lee Lewis, Sir John A. MacDonald (The first Prime Minister of Canada), and even in the bible they mentioned couple marriages.

Each U.S. state, however, prohibits marriages between parents and children, sisters and brothers, uncles and nieces, and aunts and nephews. There are strict "incest" laws in the states, thus not making those types of marriages even legally possible.

Though legal the United States of America (26 states allow first cousin marriages and 26 states do not), it is still very taboo here. However, there is an old saying in West Africa that roughly translates to "cousins are made for cousins". The U.S. is somewhat alone among developed nations in outlawing marriage among first cousins. In European countries, there is no prohibition. In some cultures, particularly Islamic ones, first-cousin marriage is encouraged. And let us not forget about Royalty (they like to 'keep it in the family').

American society is so skeptical about first cousin marriages because of very poor research done in the 19th century. It was the Europeans that first discovered more scientific knowledge on the subject, eventually discrediting American findings. This is for "cousin couples" only, not other relationships (father/daughter, etc)between relatives, which has shown 7 to 31 percent of offspring having adverse medical outcomes.

Then there's the biblical/religious views on it. The bible is very specific about which relationships should not be made, and none of them include first cousins.
Forbidden Marriages Scriptures:
Between parents and children - Leviticus 18:7-8
Between stepparents and stepchildren - Leviticus 18:8, 17
With your paternal or maternal aunt - Leviticus 18:12-13
With your uncle or aunt - Leviticus 18:14
Between brother and sister and half-brother and half-sister - Leviticus 18:9
Between stepbrothers and stepsisters - Leviticus 18:11
With your daughter-in-law - Leviticus 18:15
With your sister-in-law - Leviticus 18:16
With your granddaughter - Leviticus 18:10
With your step-granddaughter - Leviticus 18:17

I've found that the Roman Catholic Church does allow First Cousin Marriages. As strict as they are, this surprised me very much! Not because the Roman Catholic Church is perfect, but because their stance on things has always been so "this can be done or this is forbidden".

The scare of genetic deformities has always been the root why it was taboo for couple marriages. But because most state marriage laws have gotten away from mandatory blood tests, it would be safe to say that the concern is not serious enough to warrant steps preventing such mishaps.

So the next time you're at a family reunion and you see someone that appeals to your eye there's no need to worry; chances are it's legal! lol

Copyright ©2007 Attica Lundy

Did you ever ask yourself Why Did I Get Married?

Over the past weekend, my husband and I went to see Tyler Perry’s new film, Why Did I Get Married?. In the movie, four couples who are old college friends go on their annual couple’s vacation to work on strengthening their marriage. At the end of the trip, they must be able to answer with full knowledge: Why Did I Get Married?. This question is easier asked than answered and as secrets are exposed, will these marriages be strong enough to endure?

Terry and Diane (Tyler Perry and Sharon Leal) initially are dealing with Diane not being able to balance work and family. Terry misses his wife and is hoping this vacation will be the chance they need to make love (and make this love work), but Diane just doesn’t get it. But instead of making love Diane makes excuses and her priorities regarding family (something Terry very much values) are exposed.

Patricia and Gavin (Janet Jackson and Malik Yoba) seemingly are the couple that has their love relationship intact and are the glue that holds all the other couples together. But when they have to confront their feelings about the death of their child, will the blame game destroy them?

Sheila (Jill Scott), a wife that will do anything to make her husband Mike (Richard T. Jones) love her the way he used to, even if it means looking like the fool. The question arises when the couple’s friend Trina (Denise Boot) and the local sheriff Troy (Lammon Rucker) enter into the picture: is this the end or the beginning?

Pam (Keesha Sharp) and Marcus (Michael Jai White) were the funniest couple of them all. Their marriage was full revenge, and plain old ghetto-fabulousness. Their biggest issue, however, was in learning how to respect and value one another-because the love never left.

Touching on realistic marriage issues such as love, honor, trust, communication and everything else you could possible imagine, Why Did I Get Married is a great movie for friends, family, and couples (married or not) to see. We can all relate to at least one of the characters, and the other characters will remind us of someone. Some scenes will bring you to tears, and others will almost make you wet yourself with laughter. Based on his stage play, Why Did I Get Married? The movie is both thumbs up a must see! And when it comes out on DVD, this is definitely a movie to add to your collection.




Now it’s Q&A Time.

Here are the questions:

1- Would you be willing to do a couple's vacation to work on YOUR marriage?

2- In an open forum, could you tell your better half EVERYTHING-just lay it on the table?

3- Is there anything that your signifigant other could do to make you divorce/breakup with him/her?

4- Have you always obeyed your vows/promises?

5- Any additional comments?

There’s the Q, now give me the A! What are your answers?

Copyright ©2007 Attica Lundy

The letter of the law made easy

I'm surfing the net today, and ran across an article on Yahoo about legislation in Arkansas possibly having an emergency session regarding the marriage bill, which states that a minor can marry with parental consent if under the age of 18 if pregnant and with parental consent. Well, apparently there's a big screwup because the verbiage reads "In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage." Well, this makes sense to me, but apparently the verbiage is too risky, as their thoughts are that this will allow anyone regardless of age (even as young as 10) to get married as long as the parent's sign off on it. They feel that this will allow pedophiles to drive to the state and marry children as long as the parent's agree and that people that would sell their kids for the right price (ie;drug addicts, sickos, low-life's, etc).
This is the photo caption that preceded the article. I only read it because it seemed so ridiculous, but as I read the article I began to understand why this was a real problem to them. There are some crazy people out there in the world!
We have to follow the letter of the law. And even though the law is written to protect us, some people use it to their advantage to get over on the system. So now they've got to go to a special session to try to correct their mistake. However, they are getting some push back because the law states that they can only correct a bill if there was a typographical error, and clearly there was not.

I was also shocked at the fact that some states are no longer requiring blood tests in order to obtain a marriage license. Though this may make the process quicker, it comes with some scrutiny. For instance, with the huge increase of HIV/AIDS and other STDs running rapid in our country (and across the globe), you'd think that blood tests would be a major advantage to the institute of marriage and family, but obviously all governments do not feel the same way. Not only would a blood test screen for disease, but it would also catch similarities in DNA, thus allowing foreknowledge of couples potentially being related (for example, individuals who have been adopted do not necessarily know who their true blood relatives are).

In addition to that, many states no longer require a waiting period for marriage. You can obtain your marriage license and get married the very same day! Even in swimming, there's a suggested two hour wait to get into the pool after eating. But I suppose the institutes that regulate marriages don't feel that marrying too soon could lead to disaster. They must not be reading the same divorce rate statistics that I've been reading.

They've made it so convient. You can just wake up one day, say "hey, let's get married", and go get hitched just as quick as you'd pull up to a fast food restaurant drive thru and get a value meal. And that's what American's want. They want it fast and easy with no thought process. No longer is Vegas the only "quickie" place.

And what about counseling. You could clearly be out of your mind, high on crack, quite unstable, or being forced to go against your will-but you can walk in and obtain a marriage license, leading to the "I do" which will ultimately change your life forever more. And what I want to know is what the rush is. Why has the marriage process been reduced to a time saver? Something so legally bound should have some stipulations, don't you think?

I'm trying to be objective here, and in a way playing 'Devil's advocate'. Honestly, the convenience of the new marriage process is in fact very satisfying for some people personally. For instance, a couple could get their marriage license on their lunch break, and if they don't already have a wedding scheduled, it's possible to get married right then and there! Let's hope they know they are right for each other. What about those that aren't so sure?

Now it’s Q&A Time.
Here are the questions:
1- What state are you from and what's the marriage law there?
2- What do you think about states that don't require blood tests? Is it necessary?
3- Do you think states should have stricter marriage laws?
4- In the case of the Arkansas bill, do you think there will be many ridiculously under-age marriages there?
5- Any additional comments?

There’s the Q, now give me the A! What are your answers?

Copyright ©2007 Attica Lundy